MERCEDES-LACKEY Digest 689 Topics covered in this issue include: 1) REQUEST:Misty humor file (03/05) by Jake / Rynath in Green 2) REQUEST: Misty humor file (part 04/05) by Jake / Rynath in Green 3) REQUEST: Misty humor (05/05) That's it. by Jake / Rynath in Green ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Sat, 13 Jul 1996 14:09:21 -0700 From: Jake / Rynath in Green To: mercedes-lackey-+AT+-herald.co.uk Subject: REQUEST:Misty humor file (03/05) Message-ID: <31E81081.18B6-+AT+-webspan.net> Hi, guys. As requested, I am posting the entire humor file to the mailng list. As per Mel's request, it is in five parts. All I ask is that if you distribute stuff from this please read the EVIL LEGAL STUFF in part one. Also, song-wise, please read the following. Since this is a big file, Idon't want to write it after EVERY song. But if you snip songs from here, please include this at the end... "Permission is granted to reproduce this song for non-profit purposes only. Authorship information, and this message, must be included. This song may be performed in public, on condition that (1) authorship is acknowledged during the performance and (2) a report on the song's reception is sent to the author (rynath-+AT+-webspan.net)." This is part three of five, containing the last half of the song parodies and the Dr. Seuss parody. And if you distribute the file, please distribute it in its entirety. I would have posted it in one piece but it spans over 40 k. Eventually this will go up on my web page, but for now... --cut here: begin MISTYHUM.TXT part 03/05--------- -- #7 -- ================================================================= VAN -- A Parody With apologies to the Presidents of the United States of America New Lyrics by Jake Adamo ================================================================= Van stood alone in an ally's keep Totally motionless--in the shadows deep Raising up his hands to stop someone passin', He totally confused the attacking assassin (CHORUS) He's Van, He's Van A Herald-Mage He's Van, He's Van, He's Van Looks twice his age Van was sent to Haven, so he could train After 'Lendel jumped, he felt rotten, went insane Rode to the North to safeguard the land And to final sleep--or did it go just as he planned? CHORUS (BRIDGE) Ride.. ride. Ride now now Stefen Ride.. ride. Ride now now Stefen Ride.. ride. Ride now now Stefen Ride....... Van's old Aunt Savil was a termagent broad And Herald Lores was an inept stupid clod Van held off the Dark Ones with magic deeds Ste-fen rode off at subsonic speeds CHORUS Is this Van out of his head? I think so Is this Van not really quite dead? I think so Did this Van sew things with thread? I think so -- #8 -- ======================================================== RYNATH'S LAMENT -- A PARODY With apologies to Mercedes Lackey New Lyrics by Jake Adamo ======================================================== Rynath playing in the snow Dateless and depressed, oh no! Saw a cute girl standing near Said "Hey you come over here!" CHORUS: Hair like snow Eyes that gleam Things aren't always what they seem Teeth too long Hands too thin Always look beneath the skin! "Rynath, darling," woman said "Heather, Cennydd married yet? "To the wedding, going, too? "Won't you take me there with you?" CHORUS Long long hair and eyes like ice She spoke so fair, she seemed so nice Foolish Rynath did not ask Assumed that Kitten was the lass. CHORUS Rynath excited, without guard Took her to the marriage yard Kitten, she was, 'least to him.. He brought her there and let her in! CHORUS And when she was well hid inside Then she shed off her human hide The fangs showed long her claws sprang free Kitten she wasn't--beast was she! CHORUS The wedding party screamed in fear She stalked and slaughtered people near When Rynath, after, raised his head The bridesmaids, ushers ... all were dead! CHORUS (INSTRUMENTAL) For pretty words and pretty wiles And pretty looks and pretty smiles The wedding it apart did fall 'Cause Rynath's hormones had ruled all CHORUS Always look be-neath the skin! -- #9 -- ============================================================ MISTYMANIACS - A PARODY With apologies to Richard Stone and Tom Ruegger New Lyrics by Jake Adamo [rynath-+AT+-webspan.net] * ============================================================ We're Mist-y-man-i-acs And we're zany to the max Join the list and then relax We'll post 'til you collapse We're Mist-y-man-i-acs! Come meet Van and his brothers And his sister Lissa too Life with them at Forst Reach can be likened to a zoo Vanyel broke his arm and then ran to his room (boo hoo!) Then his dad flipped So Van was shipped To Haven (whoop-de-doo!) We're Mist-y-man-i-acs Stormy's cute and Rynath yakks 'Reesa packs away the snacks While Vrondi plays the sax We're Mist-y-man-i-acs!! Meet Master Dark who wants to go and conquer Valdemar Companions flock together, Lores whacks them with a bar Melenna chases Vanyel, and Urtho beats Ma'ar... And Van's mom Tress.. And priests who bless.. She's the best author by far! We're Mist-y-man-i-acs We've got her books in stacks and stacks We're zany to the max We know her works front to back We're Mist-y-man-ee Totally insane-y Karathenalan-ey (long "a" here.. poetic license) Mist-y-man-i-acs! Those are the facts! -- #10 -- ===================================================================== MISTY'S WRITING GOES ROLLING ALONG -- A PARODY With apologies to whomever wrote "The Caissons go Rolling Along." New Lyrics by Jake Adamo ===================================================================== Arrow's Fall, Arrow's Flight, write another book tonight Misty's writing goes rolling along. Magic's Pawn, Magic's Price--thirty more books just ain't nice Misty's writing goes rolling along. It's a-no-ther one! Is her writing never done? She needs a bookcase of her own! A co-author new-- Robert Jordan! ::Boo hoo hoo!:: Misty's writing goes rolling along. Oathbreakers, By the Sword, Silver Gryphon left me bored Misty's writing goes rolling along. Larry, dear, please desist, helping Misty won't assist Misty's writing goes rolling along. Oh look, it's more stuff! Ninety novels--not enough! Come on and write and write some more! But keep Larry a-way, (Take his brushes, he'll obey,) Misty's writing keeps rolling along. Winds of Change, Winds of Fate, well, her books are just first-rate. Misty's writing keeps rolling along. Wrote a tale? Don't you know? That's a big huge no-no-no... Misty's writing keeps rolling along. Keep your lawyers back Please do hold off their attack Honest, truly we didn't know! Her books you can spy ... But fanfiction? You will fry! Misty's writing keeps rolling along. -- #11 -- ============================================================= STORMCLOUD'S DILEMMA (A Parody) With apologies to Mercedes Lackey New Lyrics by Jake Adamo (rynath-+AT+-webspan.net) ============================================================= A whining moan comes from my face A sigh, a yell, and it is loud -- (More than allowed) A look of terror 'cross my face I stop and stare and choke. (Is it a joke?) I lent my books to friends and now The spines are warped and bent and bowed (I feel so cowed) I stand in front of her house now To deal with what she broke. (I wake, I scream--But it's a dream...) A reader of an avid kind I was, until a month ago (so well I know) My friend she quick upon me came And begged for books to lend (she was my friend) "For since you've read I've spied," she said "I want to read those books oh so..." (how could I know?) "I have no tomes to read right now And while away the day." (I say, "Hey, self, they're on the shelf..") "If so, these books are yours milady, And I'll give it back real soon" (such a buffoon) The offer was real tempting I could not set it aside ("More books!" I cried!) I'd wearied of my readings, being Plaything of an author's tune (I need a boon!) This was the chance I'd hoped for And I said that I would bide. (A trade -- so good, read them, I would..) Perhaps if I had been forewarned And not eager, perhaps if I Had been less desperate for some stuff, Or less of reading speed.. (Much books I need...) Whatever weakness was in me Or for whatever reason why (Good books? A lie!) When I got the books in trade My grim thoughts then were freed. (The books -- what ho? Tolkien? Oh no!) The Vanyel books away from me, Not close at hand or by my side (to bid me bide) The trade it was a token -- one Dumb trade for my good pick (I might be sick) Tolkien? A stranger! Tried to read Them all to get my worth (I laughed with mirth) For reading them was such an act That I put them down quick (Oh Van! Come back! My paperback!) I sat a spell, incoherent The pages did not turn with me (What fool I be) I wish J. T. had not wrote words Or taken up a pen... (I said, again..) The first book I could not finish The book was too complex to me (Willy-nilly) The second just lied there as dead I won't try it again! (Like hell if then I'll read again) Now, this trade was unequal Vanyel's my heart, my life, my soul (With him I'm whole) But my poor friend demanded That I lend him to her, right? (Oh what a fright) It's been a year now, has it? Of this lending I am getting sick! (Tolkien: ick!) I should have got a writ To try and solve my plight. (To read, for me, to scan, to be!) Can it be wise to risk the anger Of my friend if I do ask? (This trade's a task) Yet, who is she for her to Take my book and disappear... (She lives not near) Perhaps if I should call her? Or was this trade only just a mask? (Well, call and ask!) And could I trust her answer If I dared to ask her, "Why?" (I do not trust! I need Van! MUST!!) So now I stand before the phone here I am pacing 'cross the floor (I need him more) I have no further answer if My book is here or gone (I can't go on) Though I have prayed full often, nor Can I this moment answer, if I'll tell her "Hi!" or "Nooooooo!" * Author's note: Anyone who personally knows Stormcloud for more than a month or two will eventually hear the complaint about how her Last Herald-Mage books are on loan, traded for Tolkien books she did not like. :) That's the inspiration for this song. -- #12 -- ============================================================= VAN: Yet another parody. With apologies to Monty Python's Flying Circus New Lyrics by Jake Adamo ============================================================= Van, Van, Van, Van, Van, Van, Van, Van Wonderful Van, Powerful Van, Magical Van, Wonderful... Van Van Van Van Van Van Van Va-an Van Van Van Van Van Van Van Wonderful Van! Magical Van! Powerful Van! Van.. Van.. Van... Vaaaaaaaaaaaaan! * Author's note: I couldn't resist this one. If you don't know what song this is to, I'll give you a hint. It's a 4 letter word beginning with S and ending in PAM... -+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+- PART TWO: OTHER MISTY PARODIES -+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+- If Dr. Seuss and Misty Teamed Up ----------------------------------------------------------------------- by Jake Adamo Vanyel: Oh how I do love riding here, The road to Hardorn's nice and clear. But what is this? Look, look, a group! A bunch of farmers. Oh what a troupe! Farmer: Oh Herald, we flee Hardorn fast With Nedren our lives will not last. King Festil does not know or care And so we flee. Herald! Beware! Lord Nedren comes, he comes today! Vanyel: I will ride up to bar the way. Now look here, Nedren, it's quite tragic Using farmers for blood magic. Now, let them go. I'll let you be. It's bad enough they had to flee. Nedren: Come now, Herald, just name your price. I'll give you treasure--it's very nice. Or slaves, or power; even land, Just leave us, leave us! Leave our band! Vanyel: Treasure? Bah! I want it not And slaves and power's not that hot. I am a mage, and so I say, Go away, Nedren! Go go away! Nedren: If you will not now get out, My wizard, he will make you pout. Hey, wizard? Wizard! Help my plight! Remove this Herald from my sight. Wizard: Oh Herald you have erred the last Because my demons need repast. And so I summon them, right now, They'll get you good! Real good and how! Demon 1: Booga! Demon 2: Booga! Demons: We are here! Cringe now Herald, cringe in fear! Vanyel: The Demons do not bug me yet-- The wizard's one who must now fret. I'll get him good, I'll leave him screamin' And then, and then, I'll get his demons. Now, where's that lightning? Come, you, come! A zip a zap, and all is done. Nedren: Now relax, Vanyel, I did kid. He acted wrongly, Wizard did! I was just joking! Can't you see? Leave me be, Van! Leave me be! Vanyel: Kidding? Please. You meant to kill. And demons have stomachs to fill. Now demons they will turn on you: Go now demons! Shoo, shoo, shoo! Demons: Oh look! Lord Nedren! What a lunch! We shall crunch and munch and munch. His soldiers too! Oh, what a meal! Nedren could now only squeal. Vanyel: And so, farmers, the deed is done. Nedren is gone! Your lives are won. Farmer: Thank you, thank you! You're the best! Of this we never would have guessed: That you would help us in our fear But lucky, lucky we came here. Vanyel: Do not forget--I helped you well. I zapped the wiz with magic spell. You needed help; I did not fall. Now I must go! Remember, all! ---------------------------------- Jake Adamo ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 13 Jul 1996 14:10:29 -0700 From: Jake / Rynath in Green To: mercedes-lackey-+AT+-herald.co.uk Subject: REQUEST: Misty humor file (part 04/05) Message-ID: <31E810C5.98E-+AT+-webspan.net> Hi, guys. As requested, I am posting the entire humor file to the mailng list. As per Mel's request, it is in five parts. All I ask is that if you distribute stuff from this please read the EVIL LEGAL STUFF in part one. This is part four of five, containing the first half of the top ten lists. If you distribute the file, please distribute it in its entirety. I would have posted it in one piece but it spans over 40 k. Eventually this will go up on my web page, but for now... --cut here: begin MISTYHUM.TXT part 04/05--------- -+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+- PART THREE: THE TOP TEN LISTS -+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+- -- #1 -- =================================================================== The Top Ten Ways You Can Tell You Read Too Much Mercedes Lackey =================================================================== 10. You sit around wondering how well Vanyel can do against other fantasy sorcerers. YOU: "Now, Vanyel against Belgarath..." NORMAL MISTY FAN: "What are you talking about?" 9. You look for a way to tie *all* of Misty's books together. YOU: "So, if we look at Diana Tregarde, and we look at the way *she* does magic, it's the same as when Vanyel..." NORMAL MISTY FAN: 8. You bought a white horse of your very own. YOU: "And this is my companion, Bella." 7. Your credit card bill at Firebird Arts & Music is more than your tuition; you have a standing order there for *every* new Misty work that comes out; and they know you there by name. YOU: "Hello, Firebird?" TELEPHONE: "Oh! Hi Jake! How are you? Your $200 order is coming in the mail soon, and we've placed a pre-order for the third book in the Vows and Honor Trilogy for you." 6. You slavered over the thought that there *might* be a third book in the Vows & Honor series. (There isn't). INTERNET RUMOR PERSON: "So, the third book is called"Oathblinded." YOU: "Really? Really? Really?" 5. Your friends never let you bring music to parties because you only bring filk, and you always *insist* that they play all of _Shadow Stalker_. YOU: "Man, Heather Alexander's voice is like gold!" YOUR NORMAL FRIEND: "Who in the world is Heather Alexander?" 4. Not only that, but you *liked* "Herald's Creed." YOU: "I mean, it's so majestic." NORMAL MISTY FAN: "Oh, please." 3. You are fluent in Shin'a'in, Tayledaras, and the Hawkbrother tongues, and use these words in daily conversation. YOU: "Heyla, Boss!" YOUR BOSS: "Heyla? What are you talking about?" 2. You go berserk over the correct pronunciation of Vanyel's name. YOU: "VAHN-yel? No! It's van-YEL!" 1. You sit around writing lists like this one. -- #2 -- ======================================================================= Top Twelve Worst Things To Happen If They Make The Last-Herald Mage Trilogy A Film ======================================================================= 12. Studio execs drop filk from soundtrack; instead, they use Nine Inch Nails and Metallica. STUDIO EXEC: "Music is music. Who is this Heather Alexander person, anyway?" 11. They never read the script; therefore, they get Danny DeVito to play Vanyel. STUDIO EXEC: "He was so good in 'Twins!' He's sure to be good as this 'Vanyel' guy." 10. They pronounce Vanyel's name *both* ways, driving everyone nuts, including the date you take with you to see the movie. YOU: "That's the third time they said 'VAHN-yel,' and the second they said 'van-YEL!' What gives?" YOUR DATE: "Shut up!" 9. Uncomfortable studio sensors change Vanyel from saych to straight; Stefan and Tylendel are now Stefania and Tylendela. STUDIO EXEC: "What we do is get Cindy Crawford to play both. Just give her a different wig and makeup for 'Lendela." 8. End of film not action-packed enough; they decide to swap Van's last strike lightning scene with karate instead. STUDIO EXEC: "So Van jumps up, does a double-flip-kick, turns around , and knocks the leader out with a punch!" 7. Movie plot dumped by big studio; Disney picks it up instead, animates it using their own characters. DISNEY: "So, of course, we get Goofy to play Vanyel." 6. They bring back Mr. Ed to play all the companion parts. YFANDES: "Vaaaaaaaaaaaaanyel." (Of course, this sounds like "Wiiiiiilbur.") 5. Misty doesn't get rights to develop script; studio hires Quentin Tarantino to write it. ORIGINAL LINE: "I--Oh Gods! We're losing him!" NEW LINE: "Holy s****!" 4. While movie is a success, it's only due to the Misty fans, so studio never releases subsequent films. EXEC: "What do you mean, only a handful of the population saw this?" ASSISTANT: "They saw it eighty times *each!!*" 3. Four words: Movie tie in stuff. ANNOUNCER: "Yes! Buy The Last Herald-Mage Cereal! With marshmallow vrondi!" 2. Everyone on the mailing list gets disappointed; studio execs pick *none* of the choices we have discussed. JAGUAR, STORMCLOUD, MEL, 'REESA ETC.: "You mean, they didn't pick _____ as _____?!" 1. Studio executives' email adresses flooded with angry mail; studio decides to make movie go direct-to-video only. EXEC: "This is the thirty-sixth message from this Rynath person about the movie! I've had it!" -- #3 -- ======================================================================= TOP TEN PLOT TWISTS IN THE NEXT MERECEDES LACKEY NOVEL ======================================================================= 10. New sequel to _White Gryphon_ to make up for lameness of _Silver Gryphon._ 9. Book about Iftel; turns out it's no place special. 8. Companions given even *more* convenient super powers. (i.e. "We could always do magic, we just chose not to tell you.") 7. New collaboration with Robert Jordan makes novel stretch out to twelve nine-hundred-page books. 6. Di Tregarde / Vanyel crossover. 5. Finally writes that third book in the Vows and Honor series. 4. Turns out all books after _Magic's Promise_ were a dream; Vanyel wakes up and goes back to being happy with Stefan. 3. Misty names characters after prominent members on the mailing list. 2. Last book in the Mage Storms trilogy combined with parts of the Mage Winds books to provide the title _Breaking Wind._ and the number one surprise plot twist in the next Misty novel: 1. She retires from writing; and there *isn't* one. -- #4 -- ====================================================================== TOP TEN COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MERCEDES LACKEY MAILING LIST FAQ ====================================================================== 10. Subliminal messages within support purchase of Misty books. 9. Includes Misty 900 number for hours and hours of fun (1-900-4- VANYEL) 8. Solves mysterious problem of how to pronounce Vanyel's name. 7. Gives list of *all* of Misty's work so members can drive themselves insane trying to get more out of print books. 6. Not written in Pig Latin. 5. Gives Mel something to work on inbetween crashes of listserver. 4. Great material for cocktail parties. 3. Free copy of _Sword & Sorceress III_ to the 10,000th reader. 2. Three words: No Piers Anthony! And the number one top cool thing about the Mercedes Lackey Mailing List FAQ: 1. I didn't have to write it. -- #5 -- ============================================================ TOP TEN COMMENTS YOU WILL NEVER SEE ON THE MERCEDES LACKEY MAILING LIST ============================================================ 10. "Companions? Feh! They're just horses!" 9. "The mage-war is finally over! The MIW won!" 8. "Vanyel? Vanyel who?" 7. "What? Belgarath could kick Van's butt anyday!" 6. "So we get Nine Inch Nails to do the Misty Movie soundtrack." 5. "Herald's Creed? That's my favorite song!" 4. "No, I didn't like the Valdemar books at all.." 3. "I could see Danny DeVito as Vanyel any day." 2. "Melanie, shmelanie. I'm going to post another chain letter!" 1. "Here we are with another serious top ten list." -- #6 -- ============================================================= THE TOP TEN CHANGED LINES FROM _MAGIC'S PROMISE_ ============================================================= 10: *Clothing, clothing. What am I going to do about clothing? And where's my black hair dye?* (Van, p55) 9: He opened up a hatch in the bottom of the crowded wagon and began pulling out instruments packed in beautifully wrought travelling bags. Two lutes, a harp- -and three instrunents vaguely gittern-shaped, but-- larger. But the electric guitar is what caught Van's eye the most. "Cool, man!" he said. (Van and Rolf, p113) 8: "Herald Vanyel? The Shadow-" "Stalker, Demonsbane, the Hero of Stony Tor, also known as Bippy the Mime in my spare time, yes." (Van and Rolf, p113) 7: "Why me?" he damanded. "Why am *I* suddenly the arbitrator?" Savil flourished a piece of paper. "Because according to this little piece of paper I have, under Randale's *official* seal, you understand the problems, so you're appointed full and final authority. Put that on your Companion and ride it, pal." (Van and Savil, p314) 6: "I'm ordering you to *let this boy be.* Who in hell are you?" "My name is Bond... James Bond." (Van and Lores, p149) 5: "Maybe you should stop. Become a bricklayer, for instance." "Jaysen, I know it's been damned long, but bricks? It would be hard to cut a hole big enough in them." (Van and Jaysen, p35) 4: "We lost Jays," he whispered, remembering, feeling the emptiness. "Well, where did you last leave him?" (Van and Tantras, p309) 3: "Vanyel," she said softly. "You and me--there's no hope, is there?" "Bright Lady! Haven't you figured it out yet? I'm saych. Say'a'chern! I'll spell it out for you.. S-A-Y- apostrophe-A-apostrophe-C-H-E-R-N!!!! That means, no!" (Van and Melenna, p312) 2: Vanyel had a headache coming on. "Actually, no, inkeeper. The truth is I've been on iron rations so long hat anything rich would likely have made me ill. But I could go for a chocolate chip cookie or two." (Van and the inkeeper, p68) And the number one changed line from _Magic's Promise_ : 1: "She's *not*," he repeated for the hundreth time, "a horse!" "Yes she is!" "No she isn't!" "Is!" "Isn't!" "Is..." (Van and Withen, p81) All page numbers are from the US paperback release of _Magic's Promise._ ---------------------------------------------- Jake Adamo ------------------------------ Date: Sat, 13 Jul 1996 14:11:44 -0700 From: Jake / Rynath in Green To: mercedes-lackey-+AT+-herald.co.uk Subject: REQUEST: Misty humor (05/05) That's it. Message-ID: <31E81110.1D2C-+AT+-webspan.net> Hi, guys. As requested, I am posting the entire humor file to the mailng list. As per Mel's request, it is in five parts. All I ask is that if you distribute stuff from this please read the EVIL LEGAL STUFF in part one. This is part four of five, containing the second half of the top ten lists. If you distribute the file, please distribute it in its entirety. I would have posted it in one piece but it spans over 40 k. Eventually this will go up on my web page, but for now... --cut here: begin MISTYHUM.TXT part 05/05--------- -- #7 -- ============================================================ THE TOP TEN CHANGED PREMISES FROM THE UPCOMING VANYEL / STAR WARS CROSSOVER (WRITTEN BY MERCEDES LACKEY AND GEORGE LUCAS) ============================================================ 10. Master Dark turns out to be Vanyel's father. 9. Yoda is transformed from Jedi Master to headmaster of the Herald's Collegium. 8. The Shadow Lover ends his talk with Van by saying: "Help them, Vanyel Ashkevron. You're they're only hope." 7. After Sayvil is killed, she keeps coming back to Van as a glowing apparition and keeps on saying, :Use the force, Van.: 6. Obi-Wan Kenobi comes back after Master Dark kills him as the Companion Obywaan. 5. Van starts calling Queen Elspeth "Your Worshipfulness and "Your Highnesshood." 4. Ewoks move into the Forest of Shadows. 3. The Band in the Cantina plays "Magic's Price" instead of the Cantina Song (You know. The one that goes "Dah de dah de dah de dah dah dah dahdle da da de da da da dum..") 2. One sentence--Yfandes says to Vanyel, :Highjourne. I have never seen a more wretched den of scum and villainy.: 1. The trilogy starts with book four; books one through three will not come out until twenty years later; and books seven through nine will appear when your great- grandchildren are old. -- #8 -- ================================================================ TOP TEN DISASTERS TO HAPPEN AT HEATHER AND CENNYDD'S WEDDING ================================================================ 10. Both Maid of Honor AND Best man kidnapped by 'Reesa. Wedding party paralyzed. 9. Tad and Blade, flying over the wedding area, experience a null-magic zone and crash, landing on the celebrants. 8. The ultimate party crashers: Master Dark and his Servants. 7. Pack of mage-storm-enhanced wyrsa attack the wedding party and devour the bridesmaids. 6. Celebrant is actually Vedric in disguise. 5. Spam served at reception; Cennydd goes ballistic. 4. The lovely couple agree on a winter wedding; party ravaged by a Snow Beast which Rynath innocuously brings as a date. ("Well, I just met her .. who would have known?") 3. Leslac booked as wedding reception entertainment. 2. Four words: "Who invited Prince Ancar?" And the number one disaster to happen at Heather and Cennyddddd's wedding: 1. Wedding invitation posted on-list; unfortunately, it becomes buried in the avalanche of messages about Star Wars, Prostitution, etc ... and no one comes. -- #9 -- ===================================================================== TOP TEN LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT FALCONSBANE ===================================================================== 10. Had big fear of being chased by dogs. 9. Found calls of "Here, kitty kitty" very annoying. 8. Magical experiments constantly left unfinished because he had to chase after mice. 7. Nursed odd craving for milk out of saucers. 6. Sucker for ball of yarn. 5. Never perfected "Clean Litterbox" spell. 4. Original last name was going to be "Feathercrestedhawksbane" but it didn't fit on his business cards. 3. Loved Rynath's Top Ten Lists. 2. Obsessive desire for catnip, not power, was what drove him insane. And the number one little known fact about Falconsbane: 1. Didn't really mean to be evil--just never got in touch with his inner kitten. ============================================================= THE TOP TEN PEOPLE LEAST LIKELY TO CO-AUTHOR THE NEXT BOOK WITH MERCEDES LACKEY AND WHY ============================================================= 10. Robert Asprin. WHY -- Titles. Just think of the ridiculous titles he'd come up with! (_My Brain has gone MYTH-ing.._) 9. Rush Limbaugh. WHY -- History of Valdemar would have to be re-written to eliminate mention of gay heroes. 8. Robert Jordan. WHY -- Next series of novels would then be fifteen books at nine hundred pages each. 7. David Eddings. WHY -- Trilogy would turn out to be exactly the same as the one before with the exception of changing a name or two. 6. Larry Dixon. WHY -- After _Silver Gryphon,_ does she really want to take that chance again? 5. Bill Clinton. WHY -- Opposes signing into law same-sex lifebonds. 4. Howard Stern. WHY -- Stern misinterperets the nature of fantasy. "So, fantasy novels, heh? I remember this fantasy I had with eighteen naked chicks..." 3. Sue Grafton. WHY -- Four words: _"V" is for Valdemar._ 2. Rynath. WHY -- Her lawyers still are battling him for infringement of copyright with these top ten lists and song parodies. Also, his humor seems to be getting worse and worse. And the number one person LEAST likely to co author the next book with Mercedes Lackey and why is ... 1. Isaac Asimov. WHY -- He's dead. It's kind of tough to write a novel in that state. -- #11 -- ======================================================================= THE TOP TEN REASONS SILVER GRYPHON WAS SUCH A TERRIBLE BOOK <> ======================================================================= 10. It's not the real third book in the trilogy--it was by ANOTHER couple called Mercedes Lackey and Larry Dixon. 9. Anguish in not getting her new Di Tregarde books printed from TOR led to distraction in finishing the book. 8. Larry got his hands on the manuscript before it went to the printer and decided to change a few things. 7. The "Anne McCafferey Syndrome" has finally struck Misty, as it had with Eddings, Tolkien, Bradley, and Brooks. This deadly disease stifles the creative centers of the brain and increases the avarice centers. The worst thing is that the patient never knows she has it. Under this theory, Misty will never write another good Valdemar book again; but her hordes of fans will buy them anyway. 6. Too busy forming lawsuits against people who parody her work. 5. The manuscript itself was hit by a rogue mage-storm, twisting the storyline into a nightmare. 4. She wants EVERYONE to buy the last book in the Mage Storms trilogy; what better way than to release a weak book before that? 3. Too busy writing the Last Herald-Mage movie script. 2. Originally written in Hungarian; it lost something in the translation. And the number one reason: 1. Misty had someone ghostwrite this one; hey, it worked for William Shatner with _Tekwar!_ -- #12 -- ============================================================= IT'S SCARY... OR TEN *MORE* REASONS YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN READING TOO MUCH MISTY ============================================================= I've found myself becoming more and more into Misty's stuff. And I've noticed that I've been doing several things that frighten me. All of these I have done! And, sadly, the quotes underneath are as near-to-actual as I can remember.. It's scary.. 10. ... when you go through the latest Firebird Arts and Music catalog, checking off what you've purchased ... and there's a check mark on almost every page. YOUR FRIEND : "So, is this what you want?" YOU: "No..." "That's what I *have.*" 9. ... when you're watching television, and you find Misty references in almost everything. YOU : "Picard! Picard just was talking to Troi about horses being COMPANIONS! And the horse he's riding is WHITE!" YOUR FRIEND: "Shut up!" 8. ... when you start organizing your paperbacks and hardbacks by author ... and discover that you need a new bookcase to put Misty's books in ... so you move your dresser OUT and the new bookcase IN. YOU: "Now I can fit them all in here!" YOUR MOTHER: "What's this dresser doing out in the hallway?" 7. ... when you start fantasizing about a *fictional* character that Misty wrote. YOU: "Man, if I had a chance, I'd be with Kerowyn in a *minute.* She's so alluring!" YOUR FRIEND: "Well, *I'd* go for Vanyel. Even if he is gay..." 6. ... when you find your filk tapes have been moving to the forefront of your listening schedule, and stuff like Top 40 music is something you never listen to anymore. YOUR BROTHER: "Hey! What's with this 'Shadow Stalker' garbage? Where the heck is the Nine Inch Nails tape you used to keep in here?" 5. ... when you find yourself *liking* Leslie Fish's singing voice. YOUR FRIEND: "But I thought you said you *hated* what she sounded like!" YOU: "But did you ever hear 'Banned from Argo?' Or 'The Gods Are Not Crazy?' She did such a great version of 'Wind's Four Quarters'... I love her voice and I love her music!!!" 4. ... when you use oaths like "Bright Havens!" "Gods!" "By the Hand of the Lady!" "Holy Stars!" etc. etc. in lieu of "Jesus Christ!" or "Damn!" YOU: : "BRIGHT LADY! AAARGH! THAT HURT!" YOUR MOTHER: "What Lady? What are you TALKING about?" 3. ... when you start looking in detail at the Last Herald- Mage trilogy covers, and discover that you can identify all the people in the border around the main picture. YOU: "Well, that guy with the flute on the upper-left- hand corner of _Magic's Pawn?_ That's gotta be Moondance. And under him is 'Lendel, and then Savil..." YOUR FRIEND: "But who's that naked girl with the snakes in her hair on the other side?" 2. ... when you get upset over the fact that your sets of trilogies don't *match.* YOU: "I hate it! On my bookshelf I have a paperback version of _Black Gryphon_... a small hardback version of _White Gryphon_... and a large hardback version of _Silver Gryphon!_ The set doesn't match! I can't put the whole set together on the shelf! Aaaieee!" YOUR FRIEND: "Relax! Jeez, it's only *books.*" 1. ... when you find that most of your creative energy goes toward humor related to Misty, and, even though you are a writer and have paid submissions to work on, your only freelance "sale" over the past two months was of one of your song parodies to a fanzine. YOUR MOTHER: "Go to bed! It's 1:30 in the morning!" YOU: "In a minute, Mom! I'm working on ... something!" -+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+- Thanks again for asking about Misty humor! Once again, this file is posted nowhere, and should be posted nowhere (including USENET and WWW sites) except via trading by e-mail. It's a thing with publishing rights and the Internet; if I wind up using any of this humor in anything I do (I'm a freelance wr iter) and they need first rights, then I'm basically screwed if this is "published" via WWW, USENET, or posting on an on-line service. So please don't do it. For more Misty humor check out the Mercedes Lackey Mailing List! Send e-mail to listproc-+AT+-herald.co.uk with a blank subject line and the message SUBSCRIBE MERCEDES-LACKEY (yourname) to join. NB: This file was done in 10pt Courier originally. Any spacing problems are the fault of your word processor. -+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+--+AT+- Last Revision Date: July 13, 1996 --------------------------------------------- Jake Adamo ------------------------------ End of MERCEDES-LACKEY Digest 689 *********************************