[LMB] OT: Women hitting on men

Virginia L Stoll vstoll at cs.hmc.edu
Wed, 6 Feb 2002 23:37:29 -0800 (PST)

Marna Nightingale:
>  > I was thinking about this during the 'male rape' thread, too,
>  > because I've heard a shocking lot of guys say that they 'wish
>  > that would happen to THEM' as well.  And I sort of look at
>  > them. And wonder. What on EARTH they think it's like. It used
>  > to make me mad. Now I just wonder.
>  >
Bart Kemper:
> No joke. I don't think they really understand the difference between
> being dominated in a consensual way versus being used against your
> will.  It has never occured to me to have *that* fantasy or wish or
> whatever...its right up there with a sharp stick in an eye. I have a
> whole inventory I like *way* better than being raped.
Hmm.  Being unclear on consensual domination vs. rape is certainly part of
the problem.  But I think another big part of this is that many people
aren't clear on "I enjoy imagining this/fantasizing about this" vs. "I
want this to happen in Real Life(tm)".

Part of this is that for many people, the categories "fantasize about" and
"desire" overlap almost completely.  Particularly in the area of sex.  I
find people tend to be clearer on the difference in other areas.  It's a
very important distinction, particularly with fantasies that have
nonconsensual components.

Related example: People tend to understand that if I say "Sometimes I'd
really like to give zie a good kick to the solar plexus", it does not mean
I'd actually do that to the person in question.  (Outside of a dojo or
other training situation, that is...and then it would not be striking zir
in anger.  Or if it would be, I need to make sure I never let myself get
into that situation.)  Although I'm cautious about saying things like that