[LMB] OT: AQ test

Kathleen McClure kjmcclure at mindspring.com
Sat, 16 Feb 2002 13:18:15 -0600

> From: Casey Allison <cameramom00 at yahoo.com>

> I don't usually feel like a different person
> between myself/professional mode and myself/social
> mode, and yet.... Yeah. It's a matter of utilizing
> different situation-appropriate *aspects* of one's
> whole self, and that can be a pretty wide range. Is
> one mode less sincere, then? Are you "faking it" when
> you supress your natural tendency to lip off in a
> department meeting that the boss is chairing, although
> you wouldn't supress it at all when one-on-one with
> those same people?
> [snip]

> Kathleen continues:
>> What is interesting about it is that I feel more
>>complete and alive in my professional role. I can
>>use my intuition and creativity there, in fact, must
>>do so to be effective. <
> It seems to me that the ability to take joy in
> one's work ("feel more complete and alive") is
> directly related to the level of satisfaction and
> confidence it accrues; it matters less *what* one does
> than what feedback it gives. But what is it that keeps
> the intuition and creativity that you draw on at work
> from being drawn on socially? *Why* are those two
> behavior subsets so different; *what* prevents them
> from being equally available to you?

First of all, I developed that tendency because I grew up
in an alcoholic home where the first rule was not to talk
about what was going on, or to realize that the emperor
and the empress were stark naked.  My father was the
alcoholic and my mother had great difficulty doing anything
in moderation.  On the other hand, she was very rigid and
controlling in some respects.

However, through my own therapy and through my
work as a therapist I learned to utilize and value parts
of me that I had suppressed like intuition and doing things
differently just for the h*ll of it.

Actually I HAVE generalized that ability to the rest of my
life, and usually behave accordingly.  But inside is still
that little girl who wonders if it is safe to come out now.
Certain situations trigger that part of me.

One of the things I have learned is that in some respects shame
is one of the most painful things that a person can experience.
Fear of being shamed is usually a major factor in most people's
control issues.  Public shame, a.k.a. humiliation, is so painful
most people would rather the floor open up and swallow them than
continue to endure it.

OB:Bujold.  I love that part in Mirror Dance where Mark
overhears Cordelia and Aral talking about him in the library.
He realizes that their public selves and their private selves
are congruent.  He thinks to himself, so that is what
integrity looks like.  It is what I am striving for too.

Off to the mini-con!