[LMB] OT: Christmas lexicon

Lois McMaster Bujold lbujold at myinfmail.com
Tue Dec 27 21:25:51 GMT 2005


 From the net via e-mail, with the deserving author -- as usual! -- lost 
to attribution:

In bureaucratese

Memorandum
It would be appreciated if all persons pertaining to belief and not
insignificant states of gladfulness would, in the fullness of time,
proceed by appropriate means to the location of Bethlehem in
observance of the personage whose natal event coincided with his
recommended appointment as the supreme monarch of angels. It would be
further appreciated if persons proceeding to the said location would
be in triplicate adorement pursuant to his sovereign status as
Christus Deus.

Not in bureaucratese

O come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant
O come ye o come ye
To Bethlehem
Come and behold him
Born the king of angels
O come let us adore him
O come let us adore him
O come let us adore him, Christ the Lord.

*****

In scientific jargon

Contained within a feeding receptacle for ruminant domesticated
animals without the full benefit of a bassinet to be recumbent upon,
the diminutive Christus Deus endeavoured to repose his macreous
cranium. The supernovas commenced emitting lambent light in the
luminous heavens and regarded the location of recumbrance whilst the
diminutive Christus Deus was insensible within a faggot of vegetation
of the genus Graminae.

Not in scientific jargon

Away in a manger, no crib for a bed
The little lord Jesus laid down his sweet head
The stars in the bright sky looked down where he lay
The Little lord Jesus asleep in the hay.

*****

In post-structuralism

The semiotic coding of the other can be reflected in the assignation
of binary opposites in the chronological nocturn, which can be
characterised as either quiescent and voiceless, or multisonous and
stentorian, however these can be resolved into the former only where
the nocturn exhibits the sanctified, imperturbable, and refulgent
cultural plane wherein the desexualised m/other and her sanctified,
self-controlled child may attain the meaning of unified, almost
sidereal, aestivation.

Not in post-structuralism

Silent night, Holy Night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon virgin mother and child
Holy infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace. Sleep in heavenly peace.

****

In tax accountant-speak

It would be preferable if it is observed but not lamented
If the lips are not thrust with sullenness because of the following reason
In the near future, the diminutive metropolis will be visited by a
rotund, vermillion-clad gentleman.
An enumeration is being made, the contents of which will be confirmed
on two occasions
It will be ascertained which persons of limited chronological
advancement have been non-compliant and which have been compliant
In the near future, the diminutive metropolis will be visited by a
rotund, vermillion-clad gentleman.
It is observed when persons are being insensible
It is known when persons are being assiduous
It is ascertained when persons are compliant and non-compliant
So it is recommended that consideration be given to the pursuit of 
compliance.

Not in tax accountant-speak

You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry
You'd better not pout, I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town
He's making a list, he's checking it twice
He's going to find out who's naughty and nice
Santa Clause is coming to town
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows when you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake.

****

In corporate computer-speak

The content will be delivered by a multifaceted program combining
novel paradigm outcomes powered by the 'rhinoglow' engine. Although
platform users and developers applied disempowering nomenclature to
the earlier version of rhinoglow, the Christmas release of version 2.1
will facilitate a clearer delivery mode and content guidance which
will impact user scenarios in terms of unparalleled benchmarks.

Not in corporate computer-speak

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows
All of the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph, join in any reindeer games.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say
Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight
Then all the reindeers loved him, and they shouted out with glee
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, you'll go down in history.

****

In Donald Rumsfeld-speak

As we know, there are the known Noels, the first Noels that we know we
know. We also know there are known unNoels. That is to say there are
some Noels we do not know. But there are also unknown unNoels, the
Noels we don't know we don't know.

Not in Donald Rumsfeld-speak

The first Noel the angels did say
Was to certain poor shepherds in fields as they lay.
Noel Noel Noel Noel
Born is the King of Israel.


*****

In legalese
We are desirous of extending to you by way of seasonal salutation, in
respect of which we undertake to convey by means including but not
limited to speech, writing, hand signals, electronic devices and other
and any information conveyances in existence now and in the future,
a sanguine and unrepining saturnalian season and a euphoric
neologian period of not less than but not more than twelve (12)
months, including such adjustment as from time to time may be
necessitated by leap years where appropriate.

Not in legalese
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year

Ta, L.







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