[LMB] SP: TSK: Beguilement Chapter 3

[Victoria L'Ecuyer]

Tzivia Adler wrote:

>> 
>> did anyone comment on chapter 3 before?  i seem not to have it in my
>> 'spoilered stuff' folder
>> 
>>  Chapter 3
>  
>
>>
>>    
>>
Whoops, Look like I mis-labled my original post. I've been a bit 
pre-occupied with some projects so I'll repost this and resume my 
further comments soon.

Victoria

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Chapter 3


And we just entered Tacky Romance Country!

Dag: Hi. My name is "Dag" and I'll be your hero today. My specialities 
are killing bad guys and rescuing innocnet bystanders. Known weaknesses 
are plucky heroines with big doe-like eyes. (smiles)

Fawn: Hi, Dag. (smiles back). I'm Fawn. I'm as young and as innocent as 
I look because I'm about to tell you that I'm an unwed mother on the lam 
by using innocent sounding language that is really an insult.

Dag: That's nice. Let me rescue you.

Fawn: Ok. (blinks) But shouldn't you tend to your own injuries first?

Dag: Right. (pauses) Shall we?

Fawn: Lead on.

Me: WHAT ABOUT THE MUD MAN?!? (face palm) Loose ends. Repeat after me. 
"Loose ends."

Dag: Well, here's a farmstead I know. Just ignore the burnt out 
buildings, slaughtered watch dogs and lack of any life. (waves hand) 
You'll be safe. Really. Meanwhile, I need to hunt down that pesky mud man.

Fawn: Umm.... Ok. (waves goodbye. thinks) Well, the best way I know to 
deal with adrenline crashes and nerves is to work. (starts cleaning the 
place). Ooooh! Supplies the raiders missed! I think I'll make a hearty 
meal for me and that nice hero, Dag. (eats. naps. gets woken by omnious 
footsteps.)

Me: (in rising tones) And that's why you don't leave loose ends after a 
skirmish! (*gah*)

*sigh*

Dag is obviously from a totally different culture than Fawn. This is 
evidenced by them talking past each other sing different words for the 
same things and assuming the other has certain bits of knowledge. Dag is 
obviously more experienced of the two.

Dag also knows how to deal with assault victims.

Fawn is very self-reliant but is hobbled by her inexperience rather than 
being stupid.

My main issue with this chapter.... Dag behaved counter to his 
established behavior and demonstrated characteristics in chapters one 
and two.

He, an experienced patroller/soldier-analog, ignored a known threat in 
favor of cooing over a doe-eyed girl. Since Fawn was not hysterical from 
the near rape, he had no legitimate reason to stop his hunt and lose 
several hours getting her to safety. This sudden and unexplained hard 
left turn in Dag's character development pulled me out of the story. 
There was no explanation either internally through thought or externally 
in description for Dag's sudden change in operating procedures.

Chapters one and two were pretty much standard fantasy with enough 
romance tropes to make chapter three believable up to a certain point. 
Once I got past that point, my willing suspension of disbelief hit the 
ground with a pretty big *thud*. Chapter three was taken over by a, IMO, 
tacky romance trope with very few fantasy elements to redeem it.  If I 
had hadn't trusted Lois as a writer [1] I would have re-shelved the book 
and walked out of the store empty handed.  Instead of shutting the book 
and walking off, I turned the page.

I have a longer, example filled version of my issues regarding this 
chapter over on Baen's Bar. If there is interest, I'll also post it over 
here as well.

Victoria

[1] For me, that means buying her books outright without scanning the 
first 2-4 chapters in the store before I buy them. (Which is why I 
really, really, REALLY like sample chapters.) My local bookstores know 
me very well and put up with this behavior because I usually walk out 
with at least one purchase. My friends refuse to go book shopping with 
me despite being readers themselves.


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