[LMB] was Bujold Romance/Slash Meta now OT: friendship & s*x

[Elizabeth Holden]

On Thu, 4 Jan 2007, Rachel Ganz wrote:
> > And it seems that there is some huge biological
> > wall that once you have penetrated it, it is a 
> > long and dangerous trip back to
> > the lands of friendship. Why, I don't know. 

Well, because relationships with lovers and
relationships with friends are very different - at
least in my experience.  But I've remained good
friends with all my exes. Some live far away and I
seldom see them.  Others are close enough that I see
them several times a week.

I find that when we discuss this sort of thing in
groups it is very, very interesting.  Everyone
(including me) seems to assume their own experience
must be universal and normal, and yet there seem to be
as many variations on the theme as there are
individuals.

I have had no trouble getting along with exes when
they become friends.  Rather the contrary.  I still
love them a little too much, perhaps, but I can handle
that and they don't necessarily know.

> In my experience, once you have been to bed
> with someone, of either sex, it is very difficult 
> to remain friends. But maybe I've never gone to
> bed with the right people.

I think there are so many factors here it'd be
impossible to know where to start.  Everything from
the circumstances of the relationship to the
personality of the the people involved, and teh
attitude to sex, and the expectations on both sides,
and whose feelings were hurt and how, and the
incentive that might exist to be friends afterwards.

Tora said:
> Personally, I feel it just adds a depth (?) or 
> maybe an extra dimension to my
> relationship with the other person, reciprocated or
> not, acted on or not.  

I have a number of friends I am very attracted to;
people who are among my favourite people. I love them
and would, if circumstances were different and I
could, have sex with them.  But because of the way
things are - they're married, or straight, or gay, or
whatever is inappropriate - it's a moot point. I don't
even know whether they might have ever been attracted
to me, and don't care either way.  That isn't the
point.  I just value them because they are wonderful
people.

> So I really don't get the issue with 
> seeing attractions between people (any
> combination of genders) that do not have
> relationships in canon.

Meaning, I suppose, that you and I are of the
temperament to enjoy variable and flexible
relationships in fiction (as in life) while others do
not.

> I certainly don't think adding sex to a 
> relationship devalues friendship!!!  

No, I have some trouble understanding how sex or love
could devalue anything. 

namaste,
Elizabeth