[LMB] Monogamy

anmar Caver anmar.mirza at gmail.com
Thu Jun 21 21:07:59 BST 2018

On Thu, Jun 21, 2018 at 12:04 PM, Joel Polowin <jpolowin at hotmail.com> wrote:

> WILLIAM A WENRICH <wawenri at msn.com> wrote:
> For me, the disturbing thing about the relationship between Cordelia,
> Aral, and Oliver is that it was sprung on Cordelia as a surprise.
> When she got back from Beta, she discovered that Aral and Oliver were
> in a relationship; Aral hadn't even sent her a message.  It's the lack
> of informed consent (for lack of a better phrase) that seems wrong
> to me, and appears to violate one of the core principles of poly.

Maybe not, as you point out below, they may have had an explicit or implied
agreement as to these sorts of things.  More below.

> But as my sweetie points out, that relationship may have been within
> the parameters that Aral and Cordelia had agreed upon.  And *that* is
> the core of it: people need to live within the parameters they've set
> for their relationships.  It's only when they violate those parameters
> that it's "straying".
This is very true, but it is only part of the equation. The other part is
IMO more important in the long run is that it is not the business of
someone outside of a relationship to judge. Maybe they had what I discussed
above, maybe they did not, but in the end how they deal with it is their
business. Even in poly there is the tendency to be "polyer than thou," or
"it's not poly because it's not the way -I- do poly," and that is just as
much of a judgement as any other. It really is up to the participants to
decide if something is outside of their parameters, even if it is
backfilling details later.

There are a lot of things that monogamous people do within their
relationships as a normal part of monogamy that makes me shudder.  But as
their relationship does not involve me it is not up to me to tell them it's
wrong or icky or whatever.  All I can say is that such would not be
acceptable for me to be in a relationship with someone.

Anmar Mirza EMT, N9ISY, NCRC National Coordinator, RBNC President

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