[LMB] Monogamy

Joel Polowin jpolowin at hotmail.com
Sun Jun 24 17:32:45 BST 2018


pouncer at aol.com wrote:
> It seems to me analogous to Miles's remarks about Cordelia's 
> adaptation to aristocracy.  Something along the lines of:
> 
> Democrats are fine with aristocracy, as long as they get to be
> aristocrats.
> 
> Clearly, the monogamous are fine with polyamory, as long as
> they wind up among those enjoying amore'. 

I don't understand what you're saying.

I've had two girlfriends.  The first relationship wasn't a good one.
The woman wasn't comfortable with spending time with fannish people,
nor with poly people.  She had some deep-seated insecurities, and
my contact with poly friends made her concerned that I was poly too,
and therefore unfaithful.  Regardless of how many times I explained
to her that *I* was monogamous, with poly friends.

My second (and current) partner is poly by orientation, in a monogamous
relationship.  Through her, I've spent more time with poly people than
I had previously.

Most of my adult life has been without a partner.  There were several
severe unrequited mad crushes.  I've never been good at letting go
of those.

I don't think my feelings about poly have changed much depending
on whether I was, or was not, in a relationship.  I've had better
*understanding* of some aspects, at a rational level, since I've
had my sweetie to talk things over with, but my *feelings* have
shifted, slowly, by spending time with people who were non-monogamous.
And despite my being in a relationship now, there are aspects of poly
-- the  tertiary / quaternary / etc. relationships and the "drama" --
that I'm still uncomfortable with.  None of my business, as Anmar says
(except to the extent that I end up providing emotional support for
a friend who is going through "drama"), but that is sometimes a thing
I have to remind myself.

Joel


More information about the Lois-Bujold mailing list