[LMB] Monogamy

anmar Caver anmar.mirza at gmail.com
Mon Jun 25 01:48:37 BST 2018

On Sun, Jun 24, 2018 at 12:32 PM, Joel Polowin <jpolowin at hotmail.com> wrote:

> .
> I don't think my feelings about poly have changed much depending
> on whether I was, or was not, in a relationship.  I've had better
> *understanding* of some aspects, at a rational level, since I've
> had my sweetie to talk things over with, but my *feelings* have
> shifted, slowly, by spending time with people who were non-monogamous.
> And despite my being in a relationship now, there are aspects of poly
> -- the  tertiary / quaternary / etc. relationships and the "drama" --
> that I'm still uncomfortable with.  None of my business, as Anmar says
> (except to the extent that I end up providing emotional support for
> a friend who is going through "drama"), but that is sometimes a thing
> I have to remind myself.
Oh, the drama is a people issue, not a poly one. I see plenty of it in all
forms of relationships: mono and poly.

If a person invites you into their drama (and for me that has to be one
extremely close friend: I don't do drama, period), then you do have the
right to make a judgement of their relationship because you were invited in.

Just datapointing here though, my two grand experiments with monogamy (I've
posted about them here before, I'm sure, if not I'm happy to relate them)
both ended with them cheating on my and lying about it, even when they were
the ones insisting on monogamy. My current two primaries and I have been a
V with me at the point for around 13 years now and I can count on one hand
the number of serious issues we've had. So if we were to just use my
datapoints, I could say monogamy sure doesn't work ;-) Luckily I'm mature
enough to recognize that it wasn't monogamy that didn't work, but the
people I chose to try to share it with.

Now I mostly work with college age people and I witness lots and lots of
relationship drama, most of it ostensibly within monogamous relationships,
but it's mostly about the emotional maturity of those involved.

Anmar Mirza EMT, N9ISY, NCRC National Coordinator, RBNC President

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