[LMB] Skippy's List in the Vorkosiverse?

Luke Bretscher rocketman0739 at gmail.com
Mon Oct 15 14:22:11 BST 2018


In the interest of getting everyone on the same page, here's the current
state of the list as I see it. Have I missed any messages?

1.  Playing or singing "Send In the Clowns" when the Cetagandan Ghem arrive
is no longer allowed.
2.  Same, as above, for pointed references to Bozo, John Wayne Gacy or
clowns in general.
3.  And while we're at it, mentioning Tammy Faye Bakker, the rock group
KISS, or any other makeup-heavy group is not appropriate.
4. When doing the "mirror dance," beginning to undress is inappropriate
behavior.
5. When on Komarr, I am to remember that it is not Camorr, and not ask
about meeting Capa Barsavi and the Right People.
6.  When on Kibou-Daini, I am not to pointedly play the song "Ice Ice Baby."
7.  A Kibou-Daini native does not appreciate being called "Frosty the
Snowman."
8.  Mentioning oatmeal and blue cheese dressing around Count or Countess
Vorkosigan is...unwise.
9.  Discussing Vordarian's Rebellion is acceptable behavior.  Commenting
that "he got himself cut off short and lost his head over a political
argument" is not funny.  Even if it does send Countess Vorkosigan into fits
of the giggles.
10.  When welcoming in members of the highest ruling class on Cetaganda,
playing "There'll Be a Haut Time in the Old Town Tonight" is not
appropriate.
11.  Same, as above, for "Hair" (from the musical with the same name).
12.  Before I congratulate myself on getting a wonderful bargain from a
Jacksonian (or Mark Vorkosigan) I should count my fingers.  And my toes.
And my relatives.
13.  "Zombie walks" aboard Kline Station are inadvisable.  They make the
compulsive hand-washers go absolutely insane.
14.  Going to see the horse races is all right.  Getting into "a few
friendly bets, to keep things interesting" with the older Vor Lords is not
wise.
15.  Showing people the TV show *I, Claudius* is not wise.  The common
people find it shocking, and the Vor are busily noting down all those
wonderful ideas.
15a. Same goes for Caligula (blue cover edition), especially with some of
the more racier sets of the town clowns.
16. Never think you've outsmarted or outmaneuvered Miles Vorkosigan!!!
17. Do not play "light flyer chicken" with Count Vorkosigan or Lord
Vorkosigan...they both lose their sanity completely the moment they sit
down in a light flier control seat - and they are better pilots than you to
boot.
18. Don't try to win a staring contest with Zap the Cat, her offspring, or
Simon Illyan.
19. If Lord Mike's Vorkosigan can't get red bean stew off the menu, you
don't have a chance.
20. Fast-penta is not a recreational drug.
21. Don't give Kafka's THE TRIAL to Duv Galeni--he'll think it's a
historical document, and Simon Illyan will have it classified.
22. Don't let Gregor watch MAYERLING (features suicide by a Crown Prince).
23. Don't let people read Discworld books, everyone will be puzzled that
Granny Weatherwax doesn't have a hut with chicken legs.
24. Don't give Ivan a copy of Casanova's memoirs; he's a happily married
man, and it would only inspire him to write his own recollections. Tej
would pout. And then write her own.
25. By Vorrutyer may not bring an inflatable sheep, or a real one, either,
as his date to the next Emperor's Ball. Not even if she's really popular.

26. "Stunner tag" is an idiom, not a real game.

27. "Nerve disruptor tag" is DEFINITELY not a real game.

28. Plasma Arcs are not to be used as cigar lighters, especially indoors.

29. Auditor Admiral Count Vorparadjis is to be admired from a GREAT
distance.

30. Offering to give Auditor Lord Vorkosigan a puppy to calm him down and
distract him is NOT appropriate.
31. Don't offer to babysit for Dowager Countess Vorkosigan.
32. Or Count Vorkosigan.
33. Don't go out 'for a night on the town' with Byerly Vorrutyer.
34. When meeting with the Empress, keep your eyes on her face. Nothing
lower. Ever.
35. Don't ask Komarrans if they carry a puncture repair kit.
36. When travelling in a space vessel, do not confuse the lift tube
entrance and the emergency escape hatch.
37. Jackson's Whole - just don't go there. Don't. Ever.
38. When visiting Cetaganda, if you are in the Celestial Dome, do not start
singing 'Baa baa black sheep'.
39. Also in Cetaganda, if meeting with the Haut, don't mention omelettes,
or any other egg-related recipes.
40. It's a clever idea to blame your debts on your Evil Clone Twin. It's
not a good idea to forget which clothes and accent go with which identity.
41. Do not offer to take any Vorkosigan shopping.
42. Don't drink the maple mead.
43. Do not attempt to shoot fish in a barrel.
43a. Or use a stunner power pack to kill fish in a barrel.
44. Vampire balloons on Sergyar are not there so you can practice archery
on them.  Even with fire arrows.
45. I must never say, imply, or think that "Ivan Vorpatril" is Barrayaran
talk for "Bertie Wooster."


Luke


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